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Life works in wonderous ways. A million possible permutations. A billion different paths I could take. But every choice I have made, has led me to today, this minute, this chair, this second, this emotion.

How wonderfully ironic it must have been. The situation was so bitter, it almost seems comic on hindsight.

Walking out of the interview room, I spotted Esther, she spotted me. And it just seemed natural that two individuals so emotional at that time should huddle in an embrace, as inappropriate as the venue and situation might have seemed – N.u.s.

But bitter irony. I was about to collapse into a rant about how my overconfidence might have cost me the law admissions interview. How incredibly unprepared I was. What came over me. Why couldn’t I have been more careful in checking the documents. Why Why Why.

But no. Esther was jubilant. She got the s.[p]h scholarship. overseas. We huddled over my phone, waiting for the obnoxiously-slow panasonic phone to finally unveil the. THE. message.

Local.

There you go, pep. There’s your answer. You may never know why. You may feel so cheated now. So mediocre. But wipe those tears away, lift that tear-stained face up to face whatever the next couple of months hold. Get your life back together.

Hey, take the plunge. You know it will all be worthwhile. It will all be worth it. Just these few months. In exchange for a better couple of years. Remember those months when you knew you were happy?

Sorry, I just cant muster up that enthusiasm anymore. It’s just too many setbacks. One too many.

Pick yourself up, girl. Everything will be alright.

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I just smiled =)

Lightness in my heart, the unbearable, the inconceivable smile that has been stifled in a numbness.

I don’t want the scholarship.

And between the devil and the deep blue sea, I choose the latter. Plunge headlong. Gash blood if I may, bleed if I happen to, but throw yourself into the deep end, fight for life, to stay afloat.

Isn’t that what life is about?

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What a plunge! What a day! What joy! What fitfullness!

…

Yesterday, the first time I decided to take the plunge, to follow the head instead of the heart, to come home with less than I usually do. With less baggage. With a plan. Of what the night should be like. Because it is possible.

Yes, because a whiff of Happiness – unbridled ha-ha-ha, slave to nothing – is possible.

Possibilities, Hope flashes in my head, and for the first time in the longest period ever, I sense that I can still be the upright, reason-driven, law-abiding person I had always been, and I want to be. Take nothing more than you deserve, because no one else should have to suffer as a result of your wrongdoing.

This interviewer confided in mom, telling her she must be so proud of me. “She has such strong values, such a clear vision of what she wants.”

Si. To hell with the tiers. To hell with the wedding-cake of smorgasboard of scholarshops. I’m having my cake and eating it, and then maybe taking the leftover crumbs to smash in your face, because bwahaha, Happiness is not six years of hiding your inexperience and having to suck up to contacts for leads.

I’m not a eager beaver, not a hungry journo. Enough of nodding away with the occasional hmm. Enough of the fake laughs. I speak. You listen.

Two months more to make a change because no change is arising out of your non-action. What does this mean? The white walls and white beds? Can you do it? Can you?

Yes. Because it’ll all be worth it.

No. Because it’s going to cost.

Yes. Because you can take the bloody scholarship and save on tuition fees later on.

Yes. Think of all the trouble you will save in future.

Yes. Because this is your future we’re talking about.

No. Because I swore never again. Never again. Never again.

Yes. Because you’re just being a proud pig-head.

Yes. Because you will not have this opportunity for a long time.

Yes. Because you will be Happier.

Yes. Because you want to say Yes.