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you know what is sad? sad is when you are wandering aimlessly, not quite knowing what to do with yourself, not quite sure why you are feeling so lost, and every bit fearful that someday you may just…implode, explode, or simply, be sedated. because the notion of sedation can seem like such a blissful alternative at times. sedation, as in total numbness from physical hurt, complete escapism from even your own thoughts.

and then you judge yourself for even daring to wish for sedation, because what is life, if you lie comatose, contributing nothing, and claiming nothing. what would it mean to the world, what would you mean to God anymore if you simply wish for sedation to wash over you, desiring rest from even yourself.

and now, do you know what is joy? joy is when you are tying your shoelaces and thinking – god is with me today. it is when you walk with your head up, you glance into the mirrors and smile at what you see; it is when you are with people who know you as you are; it is when you dont have to make up excuses, lies, threats, stories, tales, fables, or dig from the trenches of your mind to come up with a conversation topic. it is when you can nestle your head and your trust into someone in silence.

it is also when you can sit down and flip the pages of a book on, and on, and on, not stopping to think, ‘when am i going to lose this concentration – two more pages?’ it is when you can stop doubting yourself for just one second, stop doubting if you are REALLY going to run the next round as you had planned to, stop doubting if you will slip up this time, just because you had slipped up yesterday.

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::–she has skin like mocha – she glitters under the warm evening sun, tastes as sweet, but really is just as bitter inside. youth is beauty, my mother has told me for so long, and i never really appreciated what that meant until i looked at every little lolita tottering down the streets in their mismatched clothes, cheap and used handbags, and i think, underneath that garb, this girl could look just as good as that postergirl she just walked past.–::

sat was a family gathering that exceeded my expectations; sunday a powerboat event with more food than action; monday was tennis at klem’s with a broken string; tues was cinderella man with no sparkle but waffles that glistened. much is eclipsed in those words but i am cutting to the chase.

::–theres a day you will come back. your smile will be enough to warm the world and stretch a rainbow across my gloomy skies. how will i walk in the rain without slipping my hand into yours? i’ll pull the hood over your head, look in your eyes, place my arm in yours, and walk on clouds. i cant say it enough, cant keep my eyes off you–::

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so long, good night. have you got nothing else to whisper, no more muted glances to cast? i hold your gaze, as long as you do, reading every word the eye-thread sent, memorizing each verse.

and so i run, with the looking-glass ahead. the window panes betray the humidity of a suffocating afternoon; the passers-by do not fail to cast the curious glance. At me. At my fellow jogger. five minutes; only? purposefully keeping my gaze off the timer, i stared straight into the glass, feeling disembodied. no i dont like what i see; i roll up those sleeves. punchdrunk admiration overwhelms her, i know that much.

the vehicle trudged along, and those suffocating pangs of nausea grips me again. i try hard to avert these thoughts, but that is so much a fallacy in itself. i glance out – dust, more vehicles, sun, jarring bright colours interspersed with dull black gravel. a sight enough to make the head throb. i detest afternoons as such, it makes you feel like a rider on those spinning tea-cups in a gaudy circus on a humid scorching monday afternoon. trapped.

it was just another formality, another courtesy. was it just me, or did everyone feel that way. i begin to feel guilty – why cant you enjoy the company at your disposal? where is the sincerity? where is the gratitude? very much buried under the ringing thoughts of last year, yesterday, the past hour, the last minute. you never really do live in the present.

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it’s been awhile. just the mandatory inventory of my life in the past couple of weeks – high(and low) lights include the affair, the 6k mini AHM, be with me with J(not so bad on hindsight), my new tennis coach, my cool pilates instructor, receiving a small, but meaningful gift, from guan, interview with ny girl, oh seeing denise keller, getting my gown, cooking an italian meal (!) and as always, the fleeting moments spent with people i never tire of.

familiarity erodes cordiality, politeness, formalities. is this for the better or for the worse? the smses get shorter, more curt and to the point. you begin to give excuses, expecting to be pardoned. the number of phone calls dwindle. but of course, on the upside, you can always expect these people to be there when you need them, they are just a phone call away. you may not have met for ages, but something in your life turns sour, and all you want to do is scroll down the many redundant, meaningless names on your handphone’s contact list, and dial the name so familiar, pour your heart out, cry your eyes out. because you know you will not be judged for it.

with new friends, you are eager to please. you want them to be on your side so god forbid they even get wind of the skeletons in your closet. you are all smiles, eager to forgive, willing to forget, overlooking the little misunderstandings which you would augment, and blow out of proportion with the people you get too comfortable with. it is unfair, but you do expect more from this latter group; whereas you approach the former bunch with zero expectations. it is unfair, and i know i would live to regret it.

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a favourite topic amongst bloggers seems to be…aims/purposes/pros/cons of blogging itself. doesnt it sound like a big waste of time – why bother fervently justifying your actions to a faceless audience if your sole purpose of blogging, as you so claim, is so you can voice opinions on a boundless platform. it is just mediocre blogging gee. celebrity bloggers just take themselves a little too seriously.

anyway, havent been updating for a bit. fri was ukbound at dbl-o, nothing to shout about, just met quite alot of people there, outside the club, ironically. sat was watching haroldpinter’s betrayal at dbs arts centre, followed by marche dinner with yorkites, followed by chilling out at coffeeclub, which lasted surprisngly long. sun was guan’s church in the morning, followed by signing up at california fitness. mon was shopping with klem for my two webcammies (yay!), followed by pilates, followed by resistance stuff with the trainer.

my memory is leaving me – i had to flip through the calendar to remember that urgh. still havent gone with jo on that belated shopping trip! the three movies that jason wanted to watch – cinderella man and be with me and something else! the dinner/lunch with quak and liza! call the caterer for next sat’s gathering! pass tape to klem, submit claim forms to selena, call up ally, army hm, and people are flying off next week already.

ive been waking up early the past couple of days, and im not liking it. this sounds really sad, but honestly, its horrid to wake up, faced with having to make decision after decision of what to do with these hours ahead – yea inspired by cunningham. im not a morning person. it seems so much easier, awfully easier, to get up at say 11am (days when this happens, i actually feel a lightness in the heart when i get up), and know that hey its almost lunch. i have this and this on in the afternoon, i’ll just go rush and do that and before you know it, the sun sets. the sky turns darker, the streets get emptier after the rush hour, and night brings with it a sense of congratulatory peace – it is as if the world is telling you, hey, well done, you’ve made it through this day and heres abit of beauty and serenity as a reward for making it through. finallly, the wind blows.