realised

I've been an awful friend. But sometimes i dont have the words to ease your hurt; sometimes i just dont know when to say what! And by mere happenstance, i discover that you've had a worse impression of me than i thought you would. And that flaw that you dislike isnt even a quality i would consider a flaw in me – i think this quality is me.

On the brighter side, off to Paris this weekend, and yes, I am excited :O paris, rome and venice is on the platter for this easter hols, making it a tad easier to while away time. I wish it does matter where you are, i wish environment could change a person; how much easier it would be to run away then.

I've been living in enqi's room for the past couple of days. And her wall is amazingly inspiring. There is this rock-like ornament that says 'My grace is all you need', and a wealth of quotes from the bible to remind us that God has always been with us, and always will be. That He will never forsake us. He is on our side, who dares stand against us?

nomad-ism begins

Woohoo! Happy post coming up: O-V-E-R! The Ethics exam is over :) Well, it wasnt too bad, and im just glad to get back to slacking. It felt like i was juggling ten things at one time the past week; shooting one down is always a ‘woohoo!’ feeling that demands a happy post.

I’m halfway down with packing everything into luggages/boxes to take away for easter; im homeless for the 5-week break! Why did i ever think packing was relaxing – this is anything BUT. Im gonna leave the walls blank next term; shelves half-empty. And urgh, buy less pasta!

blessed be (:

Thanks Enqi : for much needed support, and for seeming to know when i need it, even when i dont ask for it. Thanks Ailin for asking me along to cu meeting on sat, elim on sun, and stillhungry last night. I’ve enjoyed all three immensely; for one who thought she had permanently turned her back to God, these events have (just so slightly) made me cast a look back at what (i thought) i’d left.

And thinking through the talks about guilt, forgiveness, grace, responsibility, it occured to me that God knows my sins, bare, crude, intolerable. And that he knows i try to cast them aside. And this means He knows all the little victories that have been earned along the way, all the insignificant accomplishments that puts me on cloud nine for the day, but arent grand enough for me to share with others.

and He can see me trying still, sometimes in desperation, sometimes bolstered with vigour, to act in His image. what a comforting thought – and i wondered, why hadnt it occured to me in the past?

pretty pic!

the girl who sleeps on the bookshelf! so week nine is over and done with, bring on the final week of the term :) theres a house party tonight, so yep, loads of food – well, the purpose of throwing the party in the first place was to get rid of all the refrigerated food that cannot be stored over the easter. so actually, that would mean loads of frozen peas – i dont know why people keep thinking they'll be eating copious amounts of frozen peas – there is one whole shelf in my freezer dedicated to frozen peas. gee. well, im not one to speak. i have assorted stalks of broccoli, carrots, onions left over, and im not reall intending to do anything about them in the foreseeable future! sigh, overabundance of food – sinful really.

back to where i was

bliss, or its approximate.

the past five days have flown by, on hindsight, that is. and now, after sending my mom off, i realise i could use some company in this room. without the alex park or KT Turnstall murmurs in the background, it is all too quiet, and i know that this quiet is the lesser of two evils – it is better quiet, than for the house to be bustling with activity, and for you to still be feeling altogether removed from the bustle. the week was so pleasant though, so pleasantly peaceful, with just the right blend of agitation, irritation and unexpectedness thrown in. for the first time, it snowed heavily enough – snow-man heavy; snow-in-your face heavy; and also, caught-in-the-snowstorm heavy. this meant being stuck in pret-a-manger with a latte and cappucino with mom after a sainsburys shopping trip, and with the whole upper level to ourselves, we chatted the hours away. we talked; and talked; and talked the hours away. and i was feeling so blissful, so missed, and i think i was happy.

then there was yesterday – skipping lectures had never felt this fulfilling. i loved telling her about the uh, History-and-Philo-Guy [whose name i have forgotten]. He made a self-introduction after a somewhat bizarre conversation-starter, and actually attempted to go beyond small talk (!). we trooped down to monk’s cross in search of a newcastle united home jersey for ron, and ended up with bags-ful of items and four hours of catching-up in-between walking in and out of whsmith, jjb sports, miss selfridge, asda. then it was one of the best dinners i’d had in york – pizza express in town. well, the food was good, i didnt have to pay for it, and i’d learnt quite a bit from mom – about the ministry, about her job, about her opinions, and last night, i felt proud that i am her daughter. and it bugs me that i’d never told her this – whether in person or in written words – and it bugs me even more that these words get choked and swallowed whenever they find their way on the way out. even typing it out now gives me the chills and i get all cringey..boo.

love is not proud and it isnt dishonest. age humbles youth’s pride – i know pride was a much bigger problem in my past years. i wonder how many more years it takes for the element of stubborn pride and selfishness to evaporate without a trace. and on the subject of pride, im pleasantly surprised by the comments for my first philo essay :) it was returned today, and while im really clueless as to where i stand in relation to everyone else, im really content enough to know that this is good enough. it was a slushy, sunless day and very inexplicably, i can sense the tear ducts starting to get unblocked now, well, not that they ever needed any plumbing. and despite feeling so vulnerable, im at (what i consider) an acceptable level of satisfaction. not optimal, but well, acceptable. there should be less blah-ness and more hoorah, but i cant muster it right now.