more summer sunshine (:

not feeling too whimsical now so words come later!

a friend told me that with every blog post you publish for the eyes of the world, a small part of you dies along with it. one less privacy for others to unearth; one less privilege to be shared amongst loved friends. i suppose, i suppose.
and as proof to joni and shob that i aint inefficient, photos [mostly from today] :

the dawn yang smile!

more comprehensive photo coverage can be found at:    http://www.flickr.com/photos/gurlnterrupted/     ;)

aww, kevin if you’re reading this: hope uk’s treating you well so far (: update soon!
dinner was at the village [insert arbitrarily-placed apostrophe at whim] with the york-ies – freshers included – our yearly reminder that a free lunch [or dinner] still exists. thanks to the university’s international office, bless you guys. anyway, i was telling ailin how i couldnt seem to think up words for blogging these days. i’d never really been a fan of the school of thought that posited a direct relationship between economy of words and intensity/universality of emotions. but, well, giving it more thought now, i can see where they are coming from. it’s like this:

the more universal and the more profound the said emotion, the fewer words are needed to achieve intended effect. for instance, sometimes the single phrase – “my world went splat” or – is enough. i wouldnt say – ” it felt like my world went splat” – because emotions arent objective. you and i can comprehend what it means to have your world simply go “splat”. its laughable, aint it, how little it takes for your world to fold itself up and hide in a little corner, especially when there is so much else going on outside of your little head.

im too old for this ‘woe is me’ indulgence. grow up. suck it up! because there is work to do, there are people to thank, hearts to heal, and hours, no, days…to come.

being able to identify with, say, a poem or a novel is still understandable. you feel abit less extraordinary, a little more…common. because you know, the novelist has managed to express what you thought were feelings unique only to you in well, one paragaph. and you feel well, perhaps even elevated because said renowned novelist actually shares your most intimate sentiments!

but when you start to identify with a guidebook, its an entirely different matter:

[Most readers in the 1790s] would have been intimate with the conventions overrunning the form. They understood how the authorial self tries to justify actions, to account for a sense of election and to seek forgiveness for human frailty; how the past comes to be read as a divinely ordained plot manifesting the grace of God; and how grace can be at once intensely personal and yet shared. They knew about the intimate relationship between a convert and the scriptures…

ho yea. readers in the 1790s? yea, ive got some of the romantic era streak in me too i see. how the past comes to be read as a divinely ordained plot manifesting the grace of God. sigh, i do sincerely wish that God has taken an interest in all of us, and that we are not simply just reading too much into the past. Somehow, the imagination has this unique way of being able to weave plots and conspiracy theories and storylines into our pasts. our memories.

and everything is illuminated with a different tinge. perhaps THAT was God’s way of testing my willpower. of course THAT was a blessing in disguise. bottom-line is…i identify with a guidebook. 

i resent that :(

translated: truth. charity. beauty. over coffee with a dear friend who is flying off today, we made pinky promises and resolutions to live simply, honestly, at least for the next six months. sigh, i suppose york really is a much simpler place to live in, less Miranda Priestlys presiding over lesser beings with tight-drawn purse strings.

the past couple of days havent been too fantastic. progress being made, slowly, unsurely. unsurely because with every step you take forward, you wonder if the very next night you will slip and take another five steps back. slow, uncertain, doubtful steps forward. but hey, [jumps into optimism] its reason for cheer, no? (: this is bravery, encouragement, daring to change. it’s putting your life in the hands of someone larger than you, it’s getting out of the rut of familiarity. its an attempt, albeit an unsuccessful one. but no, dont quit trying, dont lose the inertia. it’s one of those insignificant milestones of your life which dont deserve publicity. it’ll be fine.

[oh the grizzly thing in maroon you see? thats the newest addition to the family. her name is faith and she was adopted recently (: im taking her to york with me]

dont beat yourself up. you’re on the right path. and dont worry about falling, slipping, taking multiple steps backwards, because you’d really rather be heading the right direction, struggling for the right reasons. no one said it would be easy. but take heart…in knowing its all worth it!

and so, it was Happy 20th Manda (: i dont know about you, but im quite glad we are out of our teens. theres a certain confidence that comes along simply with knowing that you have survived twenty years. you thought That was bad – you made it through, didnt you? you thought you couldnt survive without him/her – you’re holding on strong, aint you? you thought getting This would make you happy – wrong on that count too my dear, no?

six friends gathered to celebrate 20 years of well, whatever Life throws at us. i did pause to wonder how much i knew about each of these dear friends anymore; sigh when you’re not around for the mundane day-to-day, when you dont share the common denominators of coming from the same JC, or studying the same course in varsity, when you don’t know their Other friends [not even by name or face!], when you cant commiserate about this lecturer or that, module-bidding, GPAs – you really feel like an outsider at the border peering in.

-more to say, another day (: – i love my friends though! pictures are up at http://www.flickr.com/photos/gurlnterrupted/

the day started off crummy – one of those days when the wind sounds as if the world’s sighing. and all you want to do is curl up under the covers and wish the day away. you mutter silent curses when people sign in ‘online’ and dont bother saying hello; and i start to wonder exactly how much weight their words carry. at the end of the day, i must live on more than your words alone; you words dont carry me through, they dont erase the hurt that nothingness brings. Show me you ARE that person i dreamt up.

-laughs- i will laugh at this when it isn’t 2 in the morning. i tend to take myself most seriously at 2 in the morning. and for a picture of three girls who arent exactly taking themselves seriously. because writing about the silent curses is getting me silently cursing again and pictures lighten everything up. at least this one does. Ho yes, the dare-to-be-different SMU kiddos (:

more to say. lets save it for a rainy day (: meanwhile, happy 20th my dear. may endless peace lie in wait!